On Murphy's Laws:
1st Amendment: If there
is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
2nd Amendment: If you
realize that there are three possible ways in which something can go wrong, and cover them all, then a fourth, unprepared-for
way, will miraculously appear out of thin air.
3rd Amendment: When something
breaks, the parts damaged are in direct proportion to their value.4th
Amendment: The failure does not appear until the machinery has passed its final inspection.
5th Amendment: When you
drop a part, it always rolls into the darkest corner.
Last Amendment to Murphy's law:
Any attempt to print out this copy of Murphy's law will crash the computer.
Examples of Murphy's Law
Your lost needle will be found by your husband when he is walking
around barefoot. The worst pupil in any class will be a school governor's son. Vital documents that were mailed with no errors will develop errors
in the mail. The other line always moves faster. In order to get a bank loan, you must first prove that you don't
need the money.
Other Factors When Studying Murphy's
Rider: Anything that can go wrong, will --at the worst possible moment.
Forsyth's Corollary: Just
when you see the light at the end of the tunnel, the roof caves in.
Gumperson's Law: The probability
of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.
Zymurgy's Law: Once you
open a can of worms, the only way to re-can them is to use a larger can.
Hanlon's Razor: Never
assume malice when stupidity will suffice.
Brook's Law: Adding manpower
to a project that is behind schedule will delay it further.
Inverse of Murphy's Law: If
something does go right subsequent events will show that it would have been better if it had gone wrong.
The Conundrum of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you
are talking about.
of Mechanical Repair: After
your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to go to the rest room.
Lesser Known Murphy's Laws
· Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
· He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending
· Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently
· The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability
you'll get it wrong.
· If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass
them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
If the shoe fits, get another one just
· The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for
a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.
Flashlight: A metal tube used to store
· The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.
have an apple and I have an apple and we exchange apples then you and I will still each have one apple. But if you have an
idea and I have an idea and we exchange these ideas, then each of us will have two ideas. George Bernard
A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way. - Mark Twain
If you have to eat a frog, don't look at it too long. If you have to eat two frogs,
eat the biggest one first. - Anon.
One lawyer talking about another
lawyer: "He lies so much he has to hire someone to call his dog.
"Henry Ford said: "If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have asked for faster horses."
the New Year, may your right hand always be stretched out in friendship, never in want. - Irish toast
How To Identify A Real Irishman:
- A true Irishman considers a bore to be someone
who keeps constantly interrupting.
- A true Irishman
considers anyone who won't come around to his point of view to be hopelessly stubborn.
- A true Irishman has so much respect for the truth that he uses it only in emergencies.
2010 - The Wisdom of Mark Twain
"Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about
"Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."
Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.
A lie can travel half-way around the world while
the truth is putting on its shoes.
I am an old man and have known a great many troubles but most of them never happened.
vulgarity, obscenity- these are strictly confined to man; he invented them. Among the higher animals there is no trace of
them. - The Lowest Animal essay
The thug is aware that loudness convinces sixty
persons where reasoning convinces but one. - "Is Shakespeare Dead?" essay
is better to give than receive - especially advice.- Wit and Wisdom of Mark Twain, Alex Ayres
noble to be good. It's nobler to teach others to be good, and less trouble.- Wit and Wisdom of Mark Twain, Alex Ayres
You should never do anything wicked and lay it on your brother, when it is just
as convenient to lay it on some other boy.- Advice for Good Little Boys
to your superiors, if you have any.- Advice to Young People speech, 4/15/1882
is better to read the weather forecast before we pray for rain.- Notebook; More Maxims of Mark, Johnson, 1927
is a Religious Animal. He is the only Religious Animal. He is the only animal that has the True Religion -- several of them.
He is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself and cuts his throat if his theology isn't straight. He has made a
graveyard of the globe in trying his honest best to smooth his brother's path to happiness and heaven....The higher animals
have no religion. And we are told that they are going to be left out in the Hereafter. I wonder why? It seems questionable
taste.- The Lowest Animal essay, 1897
We despise all reverences and all the objects
of reverence which are outside the pale of our own list of sacred things. And yet, with strange inconsistency, we are shocked
when other people despise and defile the things which are holy to us.- Following the Equator
you were an idiot. Suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."
Man is the reasoning animal. Such is the claim. I think it
is open to dispute. Indeed, my experiments have proven to me that he is the Unreasoning Animal.
It seems plain to me that whatever he is he is not a reasoning animal. His record is the fantastic
record of a maniac. I consider that the strongest count against his intelligence is the fact that with
that record back of him he blandly sets himself up as the head animal of the lot: whereas by his own standards he is the bottom
one.In truth, man is incurably foolish. Simple things which the other animals easily
learn, he is incapable of learning. Among my experiments was this. In an hour I taught
a cat and dog to be friends. I put them in a cage. In another hour I taught them to
be friends with a rabbit. In the course of two days I was able to add a fox, a goose, a squirrel and some
doves. Finally a monkey. They lived together in peace; even affectionately.Next, in another cage I confined an Irish Catholic from Tipperary, and as soon as he seemed tame, I added
a Scotch Presbyterian from Aberdeen. Next a Turk from Constantinople; a Greek Christian from Crete; an
Armenian; a Methodist from the wilds of Arkansas; a Buddhist from China; a Brahman from Benares. Finally,
a Salvation Army Colonel from Wapping. Then I stayed away two whole days. When I came
back to note results, the cage of Higher Animals was all right, but in the other there was but a chaos of gory odds and ends
of turbans and fezzes and plaids and bones and flesh – not a specimen left alive. These Reasoning
Animals had disagreed on a theological detail and carried the matter to a higher court. From Letters
from the Earth, Mark Twain.
2009 - THINGS TO THINK ABOUT
If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think
it would be a piece of cake for you ?
You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen
telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for
not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some
animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In
fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main
purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
7. Be nice to your kids. They will choose
your nursing home one day.
if you have a lot of tension and get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "TAKE
TWO ASPIRIN" and "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN."
THE MAN RULES
We always hear " the rules"
from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.Please note … these are all numbered "1" … on purpose!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
sports: It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let
us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
1. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months
ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you think you're
fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted
two ways and
one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us
to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best
how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have
to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need
neither do we.
1. All men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have
no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act
like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere,
absolutely anything you wear is fine... really.
1. Don't ask us what we're
thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round
is a shape!
Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men
It's like camping.
How to Win Friends and Influence People
by Dale Carnegie
Mr. Carnegie’s principles, summarized
here, are as valid today as when first published over 70 years ago. If only I could remember to follow
Six Ways to Make People Like You
Become genuinely interested in other people.
Remember that a man’s name is to him the sweetest
and most important sound in any language.
4. Be a good
listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
5. Talk in terms of the other man’s interests.
the other person feel important – and do it sincerely.
Twelve Ways to Win People to Your Way of Thinking
1. The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
2. Show respect for the other man’s opinions. Never tell a man he is wrong.
3. If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
4. Begin in a friendly way.
Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately.
6. Let the other man do a great deal of the talking.
7. Let the other fellow feel that the idea is his.
honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
9. Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.
10. Appeal to
the nobler motives.
Dramatize your ideas.
12. Throw down a challenge.
Nine Ways to Change People Without Giving Offense:
1. Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
2. Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
3. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
4. Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
the other man save his face.
Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement.
Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”
7. Give a man a fine reputation to live up to.
8. Use encouragement. Make the fault you want to correct seem easy to correct; make the thing you want
the other person to do seem easy to do.
9. Make the
other person happy about the thing you suggest.
2008 - The Mind
"Mind Like A Steel Trap -
Rusty and Illegal In 37 States" - Stephen Wright
"The problem with America is stupidity. Why don't we just
take the safety labels off everything and let the problem solve itself?"
"A great many people think they are
thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices." - William James
"Some people are wise, and some
"Why are wise men and wise guys the exact opposite?"
"Many people would sooner
die than think. In fact they do." - Bertrand Russell
"People don't seem to realize that it takes time and
effort and preparation to think. Statesmen are far too busy making speeches to think." - Bertrand Russell.
mind is a terrible thing to waste... That's why I save it for special occasions."
"Around here, we put the
FUN in dysFUNctional."
"My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely."
an open mind -- it's just closed for repairs."
"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
"I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this."
- Emo Phillips
"Trust your first impressions. It seems that thinking only confuses you."
is only one thing that can keep growing without nourishment: The human ego." - Marshall Lumsden.
is the difference between ignorance and apathy?" A: "I don't know and I don't care." - Norman H. Cohen
"Arguing with a man who will not produce evidence in support of his position is like arguing with a vegetable."
"Never argue with idiots. They just drag you down to their level and then beat you with their experience."
"Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film." - Stephen Wright.
"In a fight between
you and the world, back the world."- Franz Kafka
"I think if I could turn my mind into some kind of amusement
park ride, it would be really successful. It scares me half the time and I know what's in it." - R.M. Weiner
not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!"
"I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar."
that annoying time between naps."
"If you have half a mind to watch TV, that's enough."
don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it."
"It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply
to serve as a warning to others."
"For sincere personal advice and the correct time: phone any number at random
"If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, I wind up sharing elevators with
a lot of bright people."
"Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain."
"When your IQ rises to 28, sell." - Professor Irwin Corey to a heckler.
"You can get much farther
with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone." - Al Capone
"Mediocrity knows nothing higher
than itself, but talent instantly recognizes genius." - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
"Every once in a while, walk
into a bookstore and buy a magazine devoted to a subject you know nothing about. Read it."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted." - Groucho Marx.
"What is a 'free' gift ? Aren't all gifts free?"
"Incontinence hot line, could you please hold..."
"Don't you wish there was a knob on the TV to
turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'Brightness', but it doesn't work." - Gallagher
you're unique, just like everyone else"
"If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?"
"When I consider how sweaters tend to make me sweat, I'm a lot less inclined to wear my windbreaker." - Brad
Foot /n./ a device for finding furniture in the dark.
"Give a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life." - John A. Hrastar
"If you cannot read or understand
the information on this safety card, please ask the flight attendant for assistance." - Seen on a card in an airline
"I've practiced meditation most of my life. It's better than lying around doing nothing." - Tom
Synonym /nm./: a word you use when you can't pronounce or spell the other one.
"Always remember to
pillage BEFORE you burn." - Attila the Hun
"History teaches us that we learn nothing from history."
"I'm certain that the fans of Shakespeare will tell me I would enjoy his work if only I took the time to understand
it. But that's like saying I would love polka music if I took the time to translate it in my head into the sound of a band
I like." - Scott Adams (of Dilbert fame).
"Welcome to Arizona... NOW GO HOME!" - Bumper sticker.
"When you're hungry, eat. When you're tired, nap in a sunbeam. When you go to the vet, pee on your owner." - Cat
philosophy (Gary Smith)
"Never buy a pitbull from a one armed man."
"Optimist /nm./: the owner
of a Yugo with a trailer hitch."
"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."
"The world is NOT any worse; it is just
that the news coverage is better."
"There are basically three kinds of men. There are the ones who learn by
reading. Then there are the few who learn by observation. The rest just have to pee on the electric fence for themselves."
"People are like sausages: it's what's under the skin that's important. So poke them with a fork periodically."
"Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you're interrupting."
is cheap because supply exceeds demand."
"You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time
reading this sort of trash."
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional."
2007 - A tribute to Mitch Hedberg
- I wanna hang a map of the world in
my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the
top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.
- I bought a doughnut from a store and they gave me a receipt for
the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. Man, I'll just give you money, then you give me the doughnut. End of
transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that
I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend: "Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut, I've got the documentation
right here. Oh wait, it's at home, in the file... under D... for doughnut"
- One time a guy handed me
a picture of himself, and he said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is of when
you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I am older." "How'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera."
- You know, if I made orange juice, I would not be so hard on people. I would be more polite, like I would not print
'shake well' on the carton, cause you don't know how good people can shake, you know? I would write, "Shake to the best
of your ability."
- At a stoplight, green means go, yellow means slow down, and red means stop. For a banana it's
the complete opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go right ahead, and red means, dude, where the heck did you get that
- I bought a two bedroom house. But it's up to me how many bedrooms I want isn't it? This bedroom has an oven
in it. This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is also known as a hallway. This bedroom's
over in that guys house.
- I rent a lot of cars, 'cause I go on the road, and when I drive a rental car, I don't know
what's going on with them, right. So a lot of times I'll drive for like ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't
say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake. It's really not an emergency brake, it's an emergency
'make the car smell funny' lever.
- My girlfriend works at Hooters... in the kitchen.
- Whenever I walk, people
try to hand me out flyers. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it's kinda like they're saying, "Here, YOU
throw this away."
- If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.
- I know a lot about
cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
- My friend has this really
expensive sofa. He said it turns into a bed. I told him every couch turns into a bed .... you just have to remember to lay
on it long ways.
- I was at a bar once and bumped into a guy who had on a mustache, a goatee, a pair of earrings, a
lip ring, two eyebrow piercings, a pair of sunglasses, a pony-tail, and he was wearing a hat. He said, "Hey, man, you
got a lot of nerve," and then I said "Hey, man, you have a lot of... cranial accessories." [crowd laughs] You
guys are a smart crowd. When I do the dumber crowds, I have to say, "Hey, man, you got a lot of s#@%* on your head!"
- A Lot of Death Metal bands have intense names like Rigor Mortis or Mortuary or Obituary. We weren't that intense.
We just went with "Injured." And later we changed it to "A Cappella"... as we were walkin' out of the
2006- A Little (recycled) Humor,
- A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things:
women and fractions.
- I know I'm getting old. Almost everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
is the month God created to show people who don't drink what a hangover is like. Garrison Keillor
- a creature made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.
- There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
- Give a man a fish and he will eat
for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
- Sometimes you need to look
reality in the eye, and deny it. Garrison Keillor
- Resentment is like taking poison and waiting
for the other person to die.
- Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about
the former. Albert Einstein
of Inconspicuously Ambiguous Responses (LIAR), a program for (not) recommending
- In my opinion, you will be most fortunate to get this person to work for you.
- All in all,
I cannot say enough good things about this candidate to recommend him too highly.
- I would urge you to waste no time
in making this candidate an offer of employment.
- I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former employee of mine.
most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatever.
- I can assure you that no person would
be better for the job.
Actual lines out of U.S. Military
OER's (Officer Efficiency Reports):
- Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
- Got into the
gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
- A room temperature IQ.
- Got a full 6-pack but lacks the plastic
thingy to hold it all together.
- A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
- Bright as
Alaska in December.
- The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
- So dense, light
bends around him.
- If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
- If he were any more stupid he'd have to be watered
twice a week.
- The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.
excerpts from Royal Navy and Marines officer fitness reports:
- His men would follow him anywhere,
but only out of curiosity.
- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
- Since my last report
he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
- He has the wisdom of youth and the energy of old age.
- Works well when under constant supervision
and cornered like a rat in a trap.
- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
Don't Squat with Your Spurs On: A Cowboy's Guide to Life
- There are two theories about arguing
with a woman. Neither one works.
- If you get to thinking you're a person of some influence, try ordering someone else's
- Don't worry about biting off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger than you
- Good judgment comes from experience, and a whole lot of that comes from bad judgment.
- Always drink
upstream from the herd.
- Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
miss a good chance to shut up.
- If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.
Things to Think About:
- For some people, the opposite
of talking isn't listening, it's waiting.
- Some mornings it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
are talking about raising the drinking age in Georgia to 35 - they're trying to keep it out of the schools.
- My wife's
cooking is fit for a king --- (whistle) here King, here King!
- I love deadlines. I especially like the
whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
- Deja moo: the feeling that you've heard this bull before.
all the people who sleep in church were laid out in one long line, they'd be a lot more comfortable.
- 42.7% of all
statistics are made up on the spot.
- Remember, half the people you know are below average.
- On the other hand,
you have different fingers.
- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- If you
lend someone $20 and never see him again, it was probably worth it.
- It's always darkest before the dawn. So,
if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
2005 - Wisdom and Interesting Quotes for the New Year
- For sincere personal advice
and the correct time: phone any number at random at 3am.
- Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday,
20% Thursday, 5% Friday...
- There are two kinds of people, those who do the work and those who take the credit. Try
to be in the first group; there is less competition there. - Indira Gandhi.
- The CEO's
job in a huge company is essentially the same as the Magic 8 Ball: saying yes, no, or maybe, without the benefit of understanding
the questions. - Scott Adams (of dilbert fame).
- The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made. - Jean
- Most born executives are people with a parent who started the business.
- During job interviews,
when they ask: "What is your worst quality?", I always say: "Flatulence". That way I get my own office. - Dan
- Don't undertake vast projects with half-vast ideas.
- If you can't get your work done in the
first 24 hours, work nights.
- When I consider how sweaters tend to make me sweat, I'm a lot less inclined to wear my
windbreaker. - Brad Hamer.
- A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
must believe in something.... I believe I'll have another drink. - Murphy (of Murphy's law fame).
- When dealing with patients, supervisors, or citizens, if it felt good saying it, it was the wrong thing to say.
you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
- You know the world's gone mad when the best rapper is a white
guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the USA of arrogance and the Germans
don't want to go to war! - Chris Rock, March 2003.
- Democracy is three wolves and a
sheep voting on what's for dinner.
- The kinds of people who are willing to fight for power tend to be precisely the
kinds of people that you don't want in power. - The leaders' paradox.
- The best argument
against democracy is a five minute talk with the average voter. - Winston Churchill.
average human has about one breast and one testicle. - From Statistics 101.
- It is
now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of leading causes of statistics. - Fletcher Knebel.
- WARNING: Do not look into laser with remaining eye! - Sign found at MIT's Junior Lab.
- Be an optimist, at least until they start moving animals in pairs to Cape Kennedy. - Anonymous.
- You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother. - Albert
- If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 10 apostles.
- The Science
Graduate asks "How does it work?"
The Economics Graduate asks "How much does it cost?"
The Engineering Graduate asks "How can we make it?"
The Liberal Arts Graduate asks "Do
you want fries with that?" - Jesse N. Schell.
- You aren't a real engineer
until you make one $50,000 mistake.
- The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half
empty. The engineer says the glass is too large.The optician says the glasses are half-price. The thirsty guy says:
"Hey, who drank my water?"
- All over China, parents tell their children to stop complaining and
to finish their quadratic equations and trigonometric functions because there are sixty-five million American kids going to
bed with no math at all. - Michael Cunningham.
- More than any other time in history,
mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray
we have the wisdom to choose correctly. - Woody Allen.
- I'm only working half days
- 12 hours. - Ricardo Gonzalez
- If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck,
it probably needs a little more time in the microwave. - Lori Dowdy.
- I will not eat
oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick, not wounded: dead. - Woody Allen.
gourmet restaurant in Cincinnati is one where you leave the tray on the table after you eat.
- The trouble with eating
Italian food is that five or six days later you're hungry again. - George Miller.
A Tribute to Rodney Dangerfield
- I told my dentist
my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.
- What a childhood I had, why,
when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!
- I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a
- I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."
when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find
them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."
- I went
to see my doctor... Doctor Vinnie Boombatz. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in
the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."
tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills."
He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
- I met the surgeon general. He offered me
- Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told
me from now on I have to pay in advance.
- Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc,
I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.
- My psychiatrist told me I'm going
crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're
- When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers
sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."
girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!